everyone has a josh.
Literally or figuratively.
Some are lucky enough to have. Others, lucky to have been a part of it.
What I mean by this? Everyone has that one person.
For some reason you cannot explain, you can’t seem to get them out of your head.
It’s bittersweet.
For you, it may be sweet.
For me, not so much.
It’s annoying.
I chose the name josh because I know some of my friends and colleagues who have had a history, as well as I have, with a josh. With a history so impactful, I was capable of turning the situation inside out.
The ones that are lucky to hold onto their josh, are the ones who are the happiest. They can hold onto him with confidence. They hold onto him so tight, they find themselves absorbed by his love. They fight to secure strength in their relationship. It isn’t easy. It never is with a josh.
But josh was the one that, essentially, got away.
The one that gave you adventures, the one that showed you forgiveness, the one that taught you what unconditional love is.
Josh is the one, who will forever be instilled in your minds and hearts. Someone you could never forget.
This is the one that you madly fall in love with. So in love, that you realize all those times you were “in love” before, weren’t real. They weren’t your josh. They weren’t your first real love. They weren’t what helped you learn what love is.
Now, this is where josh gets tricky.
He may be your josh, but his josh may not be you.
He may be your one, but his one may not be you.
You start wishing you ended up with him. Wish it worked out. Wish he fought harder. Wish he was a better man. Wish he treated you better. Wish his younger version was how his older self is now. Wish the timing aligned. Wish that no matter the distance or time apart, you would find each other again. Wish you knew when that last kiss was going to be, just so you could’ve kissed him a little longer. Wish you knew to follow up on his last missed call. Wish you didn’t fall in love with his family. Wish you didn’t let him in. Wish you didn’t ignore the signs. Wish he cared more. Wish he loved you as you loved him. Wish he had listened to your advice. Wish he supported you the way you needed.
But these are just what if’s.
Wish you could call him when his favorite song comes on. Wish you could text him, at any hour, to let him know you’re thinking of him. Wish you could Snapchat him when you’re watching The Office. Wish you could tag him on an Instagram post because it was just something he would do. Wish you could show up uninvited for movies and snacks. Wish you two met at a better time. Wish you didn’t have mutual friends. Wish he was your friend instead. Because then it would’ve been easier if he was just your friend. That way, you wish the door wouldn’t have ever closed on him.
A piece of me will always have a piece of josh.
Holding onto even the smallest bit of hope that just because he got away, does not mean that his path will never cross mine again.
Now, what does that mean for me and for the ones that no longer have their josh?
Healing. Soul searching. Forgiving. Learning to love oneself.
I still miss him, you may too.
I still think about him, so do you.
I still wonder about the what if’s, how about you?
You shouldn’t feel guilty for these thoughts, after all, that’s all they are.
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This doesn’t mean you’re not capable of loving someone new.
It doesn’t mean you’ll end up back with him.
Some joshs are meant for lessons.
Others are meant to make forever-lasting memories.
It’s inhumane pretending josh never existed.
It’s okay to imagine what you two would be doing at this moment. It’s okay to reminisce, it’s okay to have these private conversations in your head, it’s okay.
Don’t feel as if you need to explain your reasoning behind your feelings. Those are for you, alone, to battle with.
respire. breathe.
every love story begins with the ending of a hopeless one.
love always,
E.Barona
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