This is the story of Michael.
How Did We Meet?
I met Michael through a dating app known as Bumble.
I was single and ready to mingle.
And by mingle, I wanted the one-night-stand experience. For once, I was craving a sexual connection. I’m not sure if it was because I was finally single or because my body knew what it wanted. I no longer was afraid to ask for what I wanted or tell my partner what I prefer. This was the beginning of my sexual awakening.
Michael’s profile was what we call good on paper. Graduated from a well-known university in Atlanta, Emory. Has a stable and job where he can work from home (although now it’s pretty common for those type of jobs). His biggest hobby was music, especially creating playlists.
My first impression before I met him; He comes from a wealthy family, he’s better at ‘adulting’ than me, and we share a common interest in music – which is big for me.
Our Meet-Cute.
In the days leading up to our date, Michael was very persistent to go swimming in his complex. He wanted to make sure we would be able to enjoy his pool before fall arrived. My only guess was that he just wanted to see me half-naked, in a bikini.
Wednesday approached, the day we agreed to go swimming. I don’t know why we choose the middle of the week instead of a weekend like normal people.
After work, I headed to the gym to get a nice little workout before heading over to Michael’s place. I prepared for this date. I showered at the gym and even shaved. Do you know how uncomfortable it is to shave at a place that’s not your home? V uncomfy.
I put on my cheeky bottoms and a halter top bathing suit. I covered myself with a lace, flowy shirt, and my favorite striped beach pants.
He texted me his address and I was in awe. He lived in a nice complex near the city. Right next to a popular lounge (I would tell you but I don’t want to disclose his location).
Once I arrived, I had to pass two boom gates to get to the designated parking for his building. I was a bit anxious since he was perfect on paper and seemed like a nice guy.
This is where the red flags started to pop up.
First Red Flag.
1. He didn’t come to get me from my car. Keep in mind I had never been to his building and didn’t know where I was going. We were going to go straight to his pool once I arrived. I walked with ignorance all the way to a hallway before I decided to call him to help me. He knew I was walking towards the pool but didn’t offer to even meet me halfway.
I made him come find me in his building so we could walk to the pool together. He found me.
We said our first greetings and proceeded to walk towards the pool. To be honest, I’m not sure what we even talked about. After some swimming and getting to “know each other” Michael suggested for us to go to the liquor store to buy some courage.
Red Flag Numbers Two – Five.
2. Michael convinced me to drive instead of offering. I brushed it off and drove.
3. We got to the liquor store and he realized he didn’t have his wallet… hmmm, that was convenient for you. Whatever, I guess. I got out of the car and entered this liquor store I’ve never been to.
4. Oh. Michael stayed in the car.
I grabbed a pack of Coronas and a few shooters.
5. Once back in the car, Michael said he would Venmo me. He never did.
Back to the Pool.
I decided to just brush off all of the red flags because if I’m being honest, I just wanted one thing from Michael. Sex. Meaningless sex. Good time sex. That’s it. Nothing else.
We shared a few cheers before the sun tucked away and the pool closed. I pretended I cared about all of his playlists and whatever he had to say about his work.
Ref Flag Numbers Six and Seven.
Big ego alert.
6. He wouldn’t stop talking about his Alma Matter and his job. Like okay, I get it…you’re educated and work. Good for you. So does every other person, you’re not that special.
7. He told me multiple times that he knew the owner of the popular lounge he lived next to.
Not once did he ask me any questions. Michael was completely uninterested in me, other than getting in my pants. Which was fine with me but damn, he was so annoying. All I wanted was some D, but he could’ve held off on his conversations. Didn’t he go to a nice ass university? Didn’t they teach him communicational skills? I guess not. I guess he would’ve had to pay extra to learn those basic life skills.
Intermission.
It was time for us to get out of the pool. We drunkenly stumbled our way into the building and up to his unit.
Liquor courage gave me the confidence that I needed to demand what our night would consist of.
I told Michael that we needed to shower first.
Shower Time.
Pools are gross and showers are a must afterward.
I’m a very clean person, so no one was going to touch me with some nasty pool water hands or dick.
Michael was excited for the chance to shower with a stranger.
I was ready as can be.
Sadly, it seemed like Michael wasn’t as ready as I was. I could change that I thought.
We jumped into the shower making out and hands all over each other.
I started scrubbing him gently. My hands slid all over his body. I purposefully touched his body from head to toe…slowly. I skipped the areas he craved my hands to go, saving the best for last. Teasing my way through his body with my hands, then with my lips. I kissed him. I started at his cheek then his neck. the water running through his body made for a slippery transition to his chest, then down his abdominals. I wrapped my lips around his hips, his inner thighs and what he craved the most….his penis?
I started playing with what I thought was a softy…
In my head, I was thinking “oh, he must be a grower, not a shower”
Giving him the benefit of doubt, I continued to please him. I had no idea what I was doing.
I had NO IDEA how to handle such a small part.
TMI: I legit felt that I was sucking on a small lollipop with no flavor. At this point, I just wanted to finish showering and brush my teeth.
Unfortunately, Michael’s dick never grew!
Bless him and his small pepe.
I have smalls hands and morosely his erected penis was no match for my hands.
I’ve had popsicles bigger than him.
My exes pleasured me 100 times better and I was not about to downgrade. Nope.
We made our way to his bed and his face lit up with excitement.
The last drops of liquor courage that hung at the tip of my tongue – fell. I no longer felt the motivation of having sex with Michael.
Red Flag Number Eight.
8. We laid on his bed and he motions me to get on top.
First of all, WHAT? I have yet to get any action. How do you find it fair to have you pleased and happy, while I’m not getting any action? That’s not very gentleman like.
I distracted him by asking if he had a condom. To my little surprise, he didn’t. I already had a feeling he didn’t because Trojan doesn’t make them his size. Even the small ones are too big for Michael.
Red Flag Number Nine.
9. The AUDACITY! Sir. How do you not have condoms? How are you not prepared? You are single and dating. You’re also sexually active. Be better prepared. How do you not have any in your night stand?
I acted surprised that he didn’t. I told him that I kept some in my car.
Because non like him, I am always prepared as a single woman that’s sexually active.
I told him to go get it. I knew damn well that the condoms that I had stashed away in my middle console were not going to fit him. I had a few Durex magnum-sized condoms.
Somehow, Michael agreed to go alone to grab them from my car.
By the time his happy, but delusional self, got back to his room, I was passed out. I saved myself from a night of horror.
The alarm I set when he left on his little condom adventure, had finally gone off. I slept for about two hours and found him extremely close to me when I woke up. I slyly got out of Michael’s bed, snatched back my condom that he placed on top of his nightstand, shuffled to put my clothes on, and got the fuck out of there.
The end.
I was elated driving back home.
I didn’t have to ever see him again.
I was just going to ghost him.
But, I sort of messed up, just a little bit.
He texted me in the morning after, asking why I left in such a hurry, how I could’ve just slept over, and how he had a fun night. blah blah blah.
I wasn’t going to reply…until, he told me I left something.
I didn’t want to reply but I needed to know if what I left was important.
I replied saying, “sorry I had to start my day early, couldn’t stay. But what did I forget?”
He was happy to reply, “It’s just a good excuse for you to come back and see me.”
Oh Michael, “hahah, of course! I’ll come by one of these days after work. (:”
Days have passed by, months really. And years will too.
I never went back….and never will.
I left my TOWEL during my rush to save myself from his micropenis.
RIP my cute light green towel.
Last Red Flag.
10. His name is Michael.
***Will now start a gofundme account to buy a new pool towel. Any donations are accepted and appreciated.****
with much love,
E.Barona
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