I would like to take this opportunity to express my deepest thoughts, concerns, and sorrows.
Being who I am, I love expressing myself through writing because it gives me time to process my thoughts and I am able to write everything that is going through my head. So here it is…
When I think about him, I not only think about our relationship but as well as his family and the relationship I built with his family, which is you.
I fell in love with not only your son, brother, and friend but you.
Just as fast as we fell in love, we fell apart.
As time went by I loved him more and more…
Despite our differences.
Despite our views.
Despite the lies.
Despite the pain.
Despite the anger.
Despite our past.
The more time I spent with him, the more time I spent with you, his family. The more I got to know him, the more I got to know you.
I fell in love with everything about who he is; where he came from and who his loved ones are.
I came into not only his life but yours and you all received me with open arms and an open heart.
I have never felt a part of something this big that wasn’t my own family.
I have never had a group of loved ones accept me, for well, me.
The more time I spent with him, the more time you spent with me.
The more I got to know him, the more you got to know me.
You fell in love with everything about who I am; where I came from and who my loved ones are.
You came into my life and I received you with open arms and an open heart.
I accepted all his flaws, you accepted all of mine.
I grew to love every single one of you and made it my mission to make sure you felt the love I had not only for your son, brother and friend but the love I had for you.
I invested my time, energy and effort in him. I invested my time, energy and effort in you.
I had the pleasure of knowing and understanding him through conversations that would get personal and really deep.
I had the pleasure of knowing and understanding you through conversations that would get personal and deep.
Your son, your brother and your friend became a part of who I was.
His mess was now mine and my mess was now his.
We carried each other’s’ burdens, secrets and love.
He was my diary as I was his.
We would spend hours talking about you. I felt as if I was a part of his family, a part of you. I felt as if I knew every single one of you and I felt I was a part of this beautiful growing family of his.
Sorry…
I’m sorry if for any reason, I ever offended you in any way.
I remember trying to be at every family event and becoming a part of trips.
You were the first family I ever spent my New Year’s with that wasn’t my own. To me, that was a BIG deal. I must really like y’all huh? I did and I do.
I remember decorating the house for his mom’s birthday.
I remember I showed up without him and celebrated with all of you.
I remember meeting his big sister without him, which was scary for me.
I remember planning future events with you all.
I remember I always tried to be a helping hand around the house. I would help with the groceries, I would help with projects, and I would help with making you feel special on your big day. I was always thinking about the future with you all.
Believe me, I had nothing but the best intentions for your son, brother and friend. I pushed him to be the best version of himself. I supported him in every decision he would tell me about.
I had nothing but pure love and care for him. I had nothing but pure love and care for you.
You saw him change and that scared you, trust me, it scared me too.
But you have to realize that while he was changing and making life decisions, I was right by his side every step of the way. It was as if I was his personal cheerleader.
I supported him.
I helped him.
I guided him.
I accepted him.
I made sure I gave him my all…but maybe that was too much.
I tried to carry some of his burdens so he could carry less.
I gave him a listening ear.
I provided him with my advice.
I provided him with my opinions.
I held my hand out.
I got on my knees to pray.
I did everything within my will power to be the person he could count on for everything and anything.
Let me explain… I am the type of girl that loves hard when in love. I give it my all when I love someone. I chose to love him and I chose to love him unconditionally. I am the girl that will show care and affection to my significant other in every way I can possibly show them. Sometimes I feel as though it’s too much and that pushes them away and they end up taking my love, care and forgiveness for granted… but I’m not like any other girl, who only cares to receive and expect someone else to do all the work. Nope. I’m the girl that believes in equality and that believes it’s important to give and not expect anything in return.
So as I write this, I think about you all.
I think about the great times.
I think about all the stolen moments.
I think about all those gatherings.
I think about all those great conversations.
I think about all the plans we had.
I think about all the jokes.
I think about how close your family is.
I think about all the laughter, love and belly aches from eating too much or laughing too hard.
I have nothing but good memories with you and I’m sorry our time was cut short from making more.
